I was a staff writer at The Onion from 2017 - 2022 and still send in jokes occasionally. Some of my headlines:
Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self
Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope
Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal
Dalai Lama Swears He Recognizes Guy At Party From Past Life
Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On
Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better
God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s
Rustic Italian Village Just Killing Time Between Wedding Feasts
‘Loki’ Fan Loves How Show Contains So Many References To Loki
Dad Doesn’t Trust The Fish Here
Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work
Stuff On TV Show Always Going Wrong
Wallace Shawn Emerges As Frontrunner To Replace Daniel Craig As James Bond
Man Can’t Help Fly Stuck Inside Apartment If It Doesn’t Want To Be Helped
Report: No One Currently Thinking About You
Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners
Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought
Conair Unveils New Tiny Blow Dryer For Knuckle Hair
Polite Disney World Guest Decides Not To Bother Mickey Mouse For Picture
Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth
Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot
Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal
Loved Ones Talk Down Goat Standing On Mountain’s Edge
Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout
New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful
Food Network Production Assistants Prep Guy Fieri With Dry Rub
Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery
Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up
Friend On Group Trip Establishes Dominance By Placing Toiletry Bag On Bathroom Counter
Phone Lifted Up By Headphone Cord Like Prize Fish
Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You
New Report Finds Moving To Isolated Seaside Cottage Greatly Increases Productivity
Colorado Temporarily Re-Bans Marijuana For Statewide Tolerance Break
Bugs Bunny Explains How Lebron Helped Him Get Sober For ‘Space Jam’ Sequel
Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie
Man Wondering If Scene From ‘The Crown’ Where Queen Elizabeth Drinks Tea Actually Happened
‘Parent Trap’ Producers Recall Euthanizing Lindsay Lohan Clone After Completing Filming
High School Athlete On Crutches Walking Around Like Fallen Hero
Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own
John Bolton: ‘An Attack On Two Saudi Oil Tankers Is An Attack On All Americans’
Ice Cube Thrown Into Sink Flies Up Side Like Skateboarder Shredding Half-Pipe
‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference
Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster
Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event
Dasani Under Fire After Tanker Explosion Leads To Massive Water Spill Off Coast Of Mexico
Michael Moore Questions Asian Carp On Role In Destroying Ecosystems In First Nature Documentary
Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie
USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal Workers
Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies
Slacker Congressperson Praying He Gets Some Bullshit Committee Assignment Like ‘Climate Crisis’
Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location