I was a staff writer at The Onion from 2017 - 2022 and still send in jokes occasionally. Some of my headlines:

Last Pickle Delighted To Finally Have Whole Jar To Self

Congress Approves Empty Paper Towel Roll For NASA To Use As Telescope

Apple Acquires Apple In Historic $3 Trillion Deal

Dalai Lama Swears He Recognizes Guy At Party From Past Life

Study Links Clinical Depression To Getting Dunked On

Report: Therapist Just Saying That To Make You Feel Better

God Admits Heaven Was Way Cooler In The ’70s

Rustic Italian Village Just Killing Time Between Wedding Feasts

‘Loki’ Fan Loves How Show Contains So Many References To Loki

Dad Doesn’t Trust The Fish Here

Historians Suggest ‘Goodfellas’ YouTube Clips May Be Fragments Of Larger Work

Stuff On TV Show Always Going Wrong

Wallace Shawn Emerges As Frontrunner To Replace Daniel Craig As James Bond

Man Can’t Help Fly Stuck Inside Apartment If It Doesn’t Want To Be Helped

Report: No One Currently Thinking About You

Bernie Madoff Assigned To Cushy Circle Of Hell For White-Collar Sinners

Nation All Itchy

Man 20 Minutes Into Organizing Shelves Becomes Grimly Aware Of What Chaos He Has Wrought

Conair Unveils New Tiny Blow Dryer For Knuckle Hair

Polite Disney World Guest Decides Not To Bother Mickey Mouse For Picture

Bored God Tries To Fit All Of Jupiter In Mouth

Man Getting Futon All Dolled Up For Craigslist Photo Shoot

Badass Churchgoer Doesn’t Even Have To Look At Hymnal

Biden Authorizes U.S. Military To Shoot Down Any Harmful Greenhouse Gases That Enter Nation’s Airspace

Loved Ones Talk Down Goat Standing On Mountain’s Edge

Responsible Gym Member Makes Sure To Wipe Down Personal Trainer After Workout

New Report Finds Link Between Each Passing Day, Jeanette Getting More Beautiful

Food Network Production Assistants Prep Guy Fieri With Dry Rub

Art Experts Confirm Guggenheim Museum A Forgery

Ethan Hawke’s Body Found Dumped In Laurel Canyon As 2019 Oscar Race Heats Up

Friend On Group Trip Establishes Dominance By Placing Toiletry Bag On Bathroom Counter

Phone Lifted Up By Headphone Cord Like Prize Fish

Tide Unveils New Guy Who Will Lick Stains Off You

New Report Finds Moving To Isolated Seaside Cottage Greatly Increases Productivity

Colorado Temporarily Re-Bans Marijuana For Statewide Tolerance Break

Bugs Bunny Explains How Lebron Helped Him Get Sober For ‘Space Jam’ Sequel

Report: Holy Shit, There Still 50 Minutes Left In Movie

Man Wondering If Scene From ‘The Crown’ Where Queen Elizabeth Drinks Tea Actually Happened

‘Parent Trap’ Producers Recall Euthanizing Lindsay Lohan Clone After Completing Filming

High School Athlete On Crutches Walking Around Like Fallen Hero

Report: Rash Not Going Away On Its Own

John Bolton: ‘An Attack On Two Saudi Oil Tankers Is An Attack On All Americans’

Ice Cube Thrown Into Sink Flies Up Side Like Skateboarder Shredding Half-Pipe

‘Daddy, I’m Hungry!’ Says 27-Year-Old Bursting Into Background Of Father's Video Conference

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

‘Nothing Is More Attractive Than Confidence,’ Says Woman Who Has Apparently Never Seen Sonic The Hedgehog Cosplay

Frightened Olympic Divers Still Unable To Desynchronize Movements Days After Event

Dasani Under Fire After Tanker Explosion Leads To Massive Water Spill Off Coast Of Mexico

Michael Moore Questions Asian Carp On Role In Destroying Ecosystems In First Nature Documentary

New Report Finds Energy Drink Consumption Can Lead To Heart Bursting Out Of Chest, Riding Away On Tiny Skateboard

Area Man Knows Nothing Good Ever Happens When Godzilla, King Kong Find Themselves In Same Movie

USPS Unveils New Line Of Commemorative Prince-Inspired Postal Workers

Depressed Gallup Director Issues Poll Asking Whether Anyone Would Care Whether He Lives Or Dies

Slacker Congressperson Praying He Gets Some Bullshit Committee Assignment Like ‘Climate Crisis’

Man Unnerved By Uncanny Alternate Universe Of Restaurant’s Second Location

Winner Of ‘The Voice’ Excited To Use $50 Chili’s Gift Card